Food Network Rant

I started my Recipe Wrap Up for the week (11 Feb) and got totally side tracked on a rant about the LCD* of the Food Network. I didn't belong in the Recipe Wrap Up, so here it is. 

Where did she go?

Paula Deen - what has happened to that nice southern woman - where did she go? I liked her. Deen's turned into a fake version of someone imitating (not by flattering) a southern woman. What's with the teeth? The hair? The "tan?" The "husband?"*** The sons? I realize that we (Southerners) are the last people it is politically correct to make fun of, but does she have to help everyone on. Sad. Is the money really worth it? That's just too bad. I would like to like you, but I can't. Turn away from the dark side. 

Lucky people of New York State

Sandra Lee - I just can't like you. The recipes are insipid.  Tablescapes - what the hell does that have to do with cooking? Ewww. There just isn't enough Eww in a day. And now she's "first lady" of New York state - I feel sorry for you all (ya'll). You have a lovely state, but ... please make her go away. But then again, I've heard your Governor talk (lord, that accent! and ya'll make fun of us?), perhaps he deserves her. 

Cupcake Wars (I know it's a show, not a person, but...), really? a war over cupcakes? really? Let's just insult all the people involved in real wars  - you know the US Military, the local police and sheriff departments, the fire department, the US Border Patrol. What a useless bunch of hyperbole.

I do watch a couple of the competition shows on the Food Network including Throwdown with Bobby Flay, because Bobby has the chance to lose and he has to be gracious about it. [smirk] That said, I like Stephanie and Miriam - they give Flay what's for. Why is it so hard to find pictures of Stephanie (not the wife) and Miriam?

Anne is cooler than you.

Worst Cook's in America - it's pretty harmless as the Food Network goes,  but including Robert Irvine is a travisty. How could someone who perpetuated such fraud (lied and made up his credentials -- hello interview committee? Anyone there?), be allowed to be on a show on this network? That says volumes about the network, doesn't it? He can't be that popular. Can he? Oh yeah, LCD* again, I get it. Anne Burrell, for all her strange hair, makes the show work. Poor sad people who can't cook - or who are looking for another reality tv show to be on... you, too, make me sad. 

Duff, um, enough said.

Duff - ah, where do I being? Tool, Fouche (love that phrase). Yikes. Either way, small man - go away. 

So much cooler since she's w/ Oscar!

Rachael Ray - is the name made up? Not sure. We are tired, say it one more time with feeling, TIRED of you! Go away to that strange husband of yours.*** Sad, but true, when you try to find pictures of Rachael Ray you get some things you never expected [pervy] Thank goodness for Oscar. 

Aarti, so sorry. 

Aarti ... we had never watched Next Food Network Star until the season you won. Oh, how sad. Really, and they gave you a show anyway. Well ... you, too, have a strange husband. Join the club.***

Marcela - would like to like you. 

Marcela - I'm sure you're a nice person, but stop with the inflections. They are as bad as Giada's. It's friggin annoying. 

Guy Fieri = tool in white sunglasses 

Gay Fairy ** ooops I mean, Guy Fieri - perhaps I've run out of steam on this rant ... or not. What a total tool. What do you do anyway? Suffice it to say you are not worth a lot of typing. So. Very. Lame. You are laughable, but I salute you for making money while you can. It won't be long until even the LCD* realizes you're a joke. The idea that "Guy Fieri shirtless" is a google search term makes me feel sick.
All this said, there are people on the Food Network that I really like, they are just few and far between - unfortunately. boo. 


* Lowest Common Denominator (yes, all this explanation is necessary.)

World English Dictionary

lowest common denominator
— n
	LCD , Abbreviation: lcd , Also called: least common denominator  the smallest integer or polynomial that is exactlydivisible by each denominator of a set of fractions

Cultural Dictionary

lowest common denominator definition

The smallest number that can be divided evenly into two othernumbers ( see common denominator). When fractions withdifferent denominators are added together, their denominatorshave to be made the same; thus, fractions with denominators ofnine and twelve have thirty-six as a lowest common denominator.Seventy-two and 108 are also common denominators for fractionswith denominators of nine and twelve, but thirty-six is the lowest.

Note : The term lowest common denominator is often used to indicate a lowering of quality resulting from a desire to findcommon ground for many people: “This fall's TV programming finds the lowest common denominator of taste.”

** Hat Tip - Food Network Humor
*** What is up with strange husbands? Please please make them go away. please. pretty please.

Why I Cook?

Why cook?
Michael Ruhlman had a post recently that reasoned through his thoughts on why he cooks? It's here.


So, why do I cook - my first thought is that I have no earthly idea, but that just a stall tactic.  I had experience with great menus and great food in my events career, so I have exposure to how things can be and what things go together - all new and different to me. I had to learn - it was part of the job. Now that explains how I could be god-forbid, a foodie, but not really why I cook.
It's simple - I am curious. What will work? What won't?


Under lying all this is the strong desire to make MotH happy and occasionally please the Boy enough that I'll make something that doesn't need ketchup added. And part of is to be different - to do something most people, honestly, don't do (or at least some people don't do). Does that mean I make homemade mayo every week -- no. But I will make it to go in my chicken salad. Sure call me a food snob - go ahead - it ain't the first time. 


Cooking is, contrary to what MotH thinks, relaxing - even if I'm tired of standing at the end of the weekend.  Even picking the weekly menu is a kick (though sometimes that's more difficulty that others). I like looking at cookbooks - hoping to discover the next great thing or trying something I've never done before. Or magazines, but increasingly more often now - blogs.
It's artistic - at least creative, and that's pretty nifty. 


Cooking has lots of perks. You know, largely, what's in your dinner. You get leftovers (lunch!). As previously mentioned (see sentence above), it's relaxing and simply fun.


Hell, cooking means I order seeds for hot peppers, cukes, and a few some a lot of flowers (you need pollinators damn it). 


Why not cook?

I'm tired - really tired.

It's something I just don't want to take on that night (pad thai, gyros, dolmas)

I'm out of time... for at least what I want to eat that night.

Ingredients are too costly - I'm notorious for being cheap -  there are something I can't rationalize.

And it's the weekend... so it's time to start ... cooking!

Pizza

While contrary to my friends, I don't consider myself a food snob. I am however a pizza snob. If it's not made from scratch - dough and sauce and cooked in a wood-burning oven then it's just not for me. Pizza needs only simple things - exceptional sauce  - tomatoes oil bail and a good melting cheese. My current favorite is fontina and maybe another ingredient or two - something different. Sun-dried tomatoes is a favorite, but roasted garlic is great, crimini mushrooms, prosciutto, spinach, bleu cheese. I'm not in the egg crowd though. The dough must be thin and crisp - sorry Chicago, but that thing you make has nothing to do with pizza - call it something else.
MotH's favorite pizza is any pizza. So that's how I get out of making dinner ...


Tuscan Oven
4801 North Ninth Avenue 32503
thetuscanoven.com
484.6836

Food Snob?

I have been called a food snob. I'm not totally sure why; I make my own pickles, so what's the big deal? People used to do that as a matter of course. No one turns down my bread-n-butter pickles, by the way. In fact I have been presented with bags of pickling cukes and dutifully with in a couple of days return with a couple of pints of pickles. I do the same with summer squash (yellow crookneck, zucchini, etc.) that overflow in our area at this time of year.
Maybe because I try new things in the kitchen or don't really follow recipes or because I buy from the farmers' market and decide dinner as I stand between the local softball-sized tomatoes and the fresh green onions. After all, I still make things like lasagna and sloppy joes, I just mostly make them from scratch. The sloppy joes started from a recipe that now it is so far removed from, I don't feel like it's based on it anymore.
But do any of these quirks make me a food snob? I don't know, but I do know I'd rather be a food snob than a foodie. I won't go into what I consider a foodie*  - suffice to say, it's not positive.
Better yet, I'd prefer to be called what I consider myself - curious.


*now...


random thoughts
Why is background music on tv food shows so annoying?
Please shoot me... "What would Brian Boitano make?" - who the frick cares!

Homemade Mayo

I used the new food pross monster* tonight to make may. Super recipe from Cook's Illustrated for quick mayo and it's great. All ingredients I have on hand, takes all of five minutes to do, and tastes - well, it's just too good to be so very simple.  Have decided two things.
1. Will purchase no more mayo. This is too easy and too good to buy stuff from the store.

2. 12 cup KitchenAide Food Processor is ideal (TY MotH)
3. oops, yes there is a three - sixteen year-old loves homemade mayo, esp. for BLT's. Shall have to teach him how to make it - perhaps donate to his independence stash the old 4 cup food processor to impress college girls in the not-to-distant future. 


*What 16 year-old called the food processor when he was a 3 year-old.