Food Network Rant

I started my Recipe Wrap Up for the week (11 Feb) and got totally side tracked on a rant about the LCD* of the Food Network. I didn't belong in the Recipe Wrap Up, so here it is. 

Where did she go?

Paula Deen - what has happened to that nice southern woman - where did she go? I liked her. Deen's turned into a fake version of someone imitating (not by flattering) a southern woman. What's with the teeth? The hair? The "tan?" The "husband?"*** The sons? I realize that we (Southerners) are the last people it is politically correct to make fun of, but does she have to help everyone on. Sad. Is the money really worth it? That's just too bad. I would like to like you, but I can't. Turn away from the dark side. 

Lucky people of New York State

Sandra Lee - I just can't like you. The recipes are insipid.  Tablescapes - what the hell does that have to do with cooking? Ewww. There just isn't enough Eww in a day. And now she's "first lady" of New York state - I feel sorry for you all (ya'll). You have a lovely state, but ... please make her go away. But then again, I've heard your Governor talk (lord, that accent! and ya'll make fun of us?), perhaps he deserves her. 

Cupcake Wars (I know it's a show, not a person, but...), really? a war over cupcakes? really? Let's just insult all the people involved in real wars  - you know the US Military, the local police and sheriff departments, the fire department, the US Border Patrol. What a useless bunch of hyperbole.

I do watch a couple of the competition shows on the Food Network including Throwdown with Bobby Flay, because Bobby has the chance to lose and he has to be gracious about it. [smirk] That said, I like Stephanie and Miriam - they give Flay what's for. Why is it so hard to find pictures of Stephanie (not the wife) and Miriam?

Anne is cooler than you.

Worst Cook's in America - it's pretty harmless as the Food Network goes,  but including Robert Irvine is a travisty. How could someone who perpetuated such fraud (lied and made up his credentials -- hello interview committee? Anyone there?), be allowed to be on a show on this network? That says volumes about the network, doesn't it? He can't be that popular. Can he? Oh yeah, LCD* again, I get it. Anne Burrell, for all her strange hair, makes the show work. Poor sad people who can't cook - or who are looking for another reality tv show to be on... you, too, make me sad. 

Duff, um, enough said.

Duff - ah, where do I being? Tool, Fouche (love that phrase). Yikes. Either way, small man - go away. 

So much cooler since she's w/ Oscar!

Rachael Ray - is the name made up? Not sure. We are tired, say it one more time with feeling, TIRED of you! Go away to that strange husband of yours.*** Sad, but true, when you try to find pictures of Rachael Ray you get some things you never expected [pervy] Thank goodness for Oscar. 

Aarti, so sorry. 

Aarti ... we had never watched Next Food Network Star until the season you won. Oh, how sad. Really, and they gave you a show anyway. Well ... you, too, have a strange husband. Join the club.***

Marcela - would like to like you. 

Marcela - I'm sure you're a nice person, but stop with the inflections. They are as bad as Giada's. It's friggin annoying. 

Guy Fieri = tool in white sunglasses 

Gay Fairy ** ooops I mean, Guy Fieri - perhaps I've run out of steam on this rant ... or not. What a total tool. What do you do anyway? Suffice it to say you are not worth a lot of typing. So. Very. Lame. You are laughable, but I salute you for making money while you can. It won't be long until even the LCD* realizes you're a joke. The idea that "Guy Fieri shirtless" is a google search term makes me feel sick.
All this said, there are people on the Food Network that I really like, they are just few and far between - unfortunately. boo. 


* Lowest Common Denominator (yes, all this explanation is necessary.)

World English Dictionary

lowest common denominator
— n
	LCD , Abbreviation: lcd , Also called: least common denominator  the smallest integer or polynomial that is exactlydivisible by each denominator of a set of fractions

Cultural Dictionary

lowest common denominator definition

The smallest number that can be divided evenly into two othernumbers ( see common denominator). When fractions withdifferent denominators are added together, their denominatorshave to be made the same; thus, fractions with denominators ofnine and twelve have thirty-six as a lowest common denominator.Seventy-two and 108 are also common denominators for fractionswith denominators of nine and twelve, but thirty-six is the lowest.

Note : The term lowest common denominator is often used to indicate a lowering of quality resulting from a desire to findcommon ground for many people: “This fall's TV programming finds the lowest common denominator of taste.”

** Hat Tip - Food Network Humor
*** What is up with strange husbands? Please please make them go away. please. pretty please.

Lemon Pie Cookies

Filled Cookies

Anything lemon is good to me and anything with cream cheese makes it even better so when I saw this recipe on 5 Ingredient Fix (one of my DVR shows - ie. shows you can fast forward through the parts you don't care about), I decided to make them. I wrote down the name of the recipe to print later. On reading the recipe while I was making the cookie dough, I noticed that there didn't seem to be the right ratio of sugar to flour, esp. if a cream cheese frosting was going to be used (it's actually a filling, but same diff) because cream cheese frostings are not typically very sweet. So I went to the comments section of the recipe online (should have done this the first time I looked at the recipe) and realized that on the show - part I fast forwarded through - Claire Robinson used 2 cups of sugar for cookies and 8 oz. of cream cheese for the filling (recipe on Food Network website calls for 1 cup and 4 oz. respectivley). So I adjusted the sugar to 1 2/3 c of confectioner's sugar and 8 oz of cream cheese for the filling.

I don't know what kind of lemons Food Network gets their people, but it took 2 lemons to get 2 Tbs of lemon juice? Really? Not for me - 1 lemon worked fine for juice, though two were needed for zest.  


Lemon Pie Cookies
adapted from Claire Robinson

2 sticks unsalted butter, room temperature

2 2/3 cups confectioners' sugar, divided, plus more for garnish
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons lemon zest, divided 
2 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice, divided
2 cups unbleached all-purpose flour
8 ounces cream cheese, room temperature

In the bowl of a stand mixer, beat the butter, 1 2/3 cups of the sugar and salt until smooth. Add all of the lemon juice and half of the zest. On a low speed, add the flour, 1/2 cup at a time, until just incorporated. Turn the cookie dough out onto a board and roll it into a log. Cover with plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 1 hour and up to 24 hours. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Cubed rolls of dough

Remove log from the refrigerator and cut it into thin 1/4-inch thick discs. Arrange the discs on 2 silicone or parchment lined baking sheets, 1-inch apart, and bake until the edges are just golden, about 15 minutes. Remove the cookies from the oven and transfer them to a wire rack to cool completely.

Meanwhile mix cream cheese with the remaining 1 cup confectioners' sugar lemon zest (1 Tbs.) and 1/2 Tbs. lemon juice.

Top half of the cookies with the cream cheese mixture and cover with another cookie to make a sandwich. Dust the top of the cookie sandwiches with confectioners' sugar.

Comments: How long will these keep? What's the best way to store them? I am getting so used to detailed blog recipes that a recipe like this is sort of, well, not up to par. Who writes these things, oh, and more importantly, who checks with the person presenting the recipe to see if they are the same? It's really a disservice to the recipe creator to not print what is shown on the show or intended by the recipe creator. 
All that said, these cookies are good. Really crispy, lemony, and not too sweet, but sweet enough. They are good sandwich cookies, but also great as a regular refrigerator cookie. These will stay in the rotation. 

Food Network (Humor)

Food Network Humor (if you've not checked this out and you watch Food Network -- you need to take a peek) listed their version of the five worst shows on Food Network. I have to say, I've not seen Cupcake War - really a war about cupcakes? Stupid. or the Neely's - no particular reason, just not seen it before. I have not seen Meat & Potatoes because that just sounds dumb. Shows like Outrageous Food never appeal to me. Intentional excess is just silly and kind of sad. I have seen Food Feuds and while I like Michael Symon - this is just another travel around and eat things show - with judgement involved.... kind of not nice in the end for the "loser" of the feud.
So this started me thinking. I've been watching Food Network a long time (years and years). What are my top five shows on Food Network?

#1 is so. very. simple.
Good Eats
AB rocks! I learn something every time I watch and I will watch episodes about things I can't even eat (seafood). The show if fast, funny, and very informative.This to be is clearly head and shoulders above anything else Food Network puts on. And has been for years. I still remember the first show I saw and I was instantly hooked. 1999 Season one Episode nine - A Bowl of Onion (Barbie and Ken were involved).


#2
Nigella (anything she does)
Nigella Lawson seems very comfortable cooking, baking, and talking at the same time. Her recipes are typically simple and quick and include pre-planning ideas which make it easy to come home from work and make dinner. She's calm and stable -- not running around all over the kitchen like some shows do.


#3
Jaime at Home
I know it's over, but those shows were good and again, I learned things and I liked the fact that he used his garden to source some of the food - cool.


#4
Well, now things are getting harder...maybe Iron Chef America (but only when they have real food people as judges and aren't dispatching live animals in front of me). I used to watch Giada at Home, but it was some much of the same over and over - and that annoy affectation of rolling into Italian every time an Italian work show up (spa get ti) -ugh. Secrets of a Restaurant Chef - Anne Burrell just got on my nerves - she's the anti-Nigella, Alex's Day Off - meh, but I do like her as a judge on ICA. Barefoot Contess has developed some annoying habits that started to get on my nerves ("really good" insert ingredient here, or "How easy is that" and the decorating the able (tablescapes anyone?) and her collection of gays (I don't care that they are gay, but don't they feel a little weird being used as props?)
I get the feeling that my cooking skills have somehow gone beyond some of the shows. Or maybe I've just gotten from them everything I need so far.


There are many shows I haven't watched because they just don't appeal to me (beyond those noted above).
Ace of Cakes - snore. I hear said snore is going to be canceled.
Anything Rachael Ray is in. She's so 2004.
Semi-Homemade with Sandra Lee - tablescapes? Really tablescapes? Blech.
Private Chefs of Beverly Hills - sounds eerily like Real Housewifes of (insert city here)
5 Ingredient Fix - meh
Anything with Guy Fieri - the clothes  should explain it all. 
The Best Thing I Ever Ate - Really don't care to see you get all gushy over the best (insert here) you've ever eaten. Watch the grammar here people.
Aarti Party - I had to watch the first episode to see if it would be a train wreck. It was.
Anything with Paula Dean. Where did the real Paula go? Have the aliens abducted her and sent a creepy replacement. She's just not right.
Ten Dollar Dinners - I'm not sure I want that.


Cook's Country and America's Test Kitchen are more up my alley now. They are my go to group for tested, straight forward, though sometimes time-intensive recipes. (And when are they going to send my someone to wash all the dishes I dirty in the process of making their great food?) I know I say it every time I mention them - but do yourself a favor and sign up - they are sooooo worth it.