11 February 2011

Food Network Rant

I started my Recipe Wrap Up for the week (11 Feb) and got totally side tracked on a rant about the LCD* of the Food Network. I didn't belong in the Recipe Wrap Up, so here it is. 
Where did she go?
Paula Deen - what has happened to that nice southern woman - where did she go? I liked her. Deen's turned into a fake version of someone imitating (not by flattering) a southern woman. What's with the teeth? The hair? The "tan?" The "husband?"*** The sons? I realize that we (Southerners) are the last people it is politically correct to make fun of, but does she have to help everyone on. Sad. Is the money really worth it? That's just too bad. I would like to like you, but I can't. Turn away from the dark side. 
Lucky people of New York State

Sandra Lee - I just can't like you. The recipes are insipid.  Tablescapes - what the hell does that have to do with cooking? Ewww. There just isn't enough Eww in a day. And now she's "first lady" of New York state - I feel sorry for you all (ya'll). You have a lovely state, but ... please make her go away. But then again, I've heard your Governor talk (lord, that accent! and ya'll make fun of us?), perhaps he deserves her. 
Cupcake Wars (I know it's a show, not a person, but...), really? a war over cupcakes? really? Let's just insult all the people involved in real wars  - you know the US Military, the local police and sheriff departments, the fire department, the US Border Patrol. What a useless bunch of hyperbole.

I do watch a couple of the competition shows on the Food Network including Throwdown with Bobby Flay, because Bobby has the chance to lose and he has to be gracious about it. [smirk] That said, I like Stephanie and Miriam - they give Flay what's for. Why is it so hard to find pictures of Stephanie (not the wife) and Miriam?
Anne is cooler than you.
Worst Cook's in America - it's pretty harmless as the Food Network goes,  but including Robert Irvine is a travisty. How could someone who perpetuated such fraud (lied and made up his credentials -- hello interview committee? Anyone there?), be allowed to be on a show on this network? That says volumes about the network, doesn't it? He can't be that popular. Can he? Oh yeah, LCD* again, I get it. Anne Burrell, for all her strange hair, makes the show work. Poor sad people who can't cook - or who are looking for another reality tv show to be on... you, too, make me sad. 
Duff, um, enough said.
Duff - ah, where do I being? Tool, Fouche (love that phrase). Yikes. Either way, small man - go away. 

So much cooler since she's w/ Oscar!
Rachael Ray - is the name made up? Not sure. We are tired, say it one more time with feeling, TIRED of you! Go away to that strange husband of yours.*** Sad, but true, when you try to find pictures of Rachael Ray you get some things you never expected [pervy] Thank goodness for Oscar. 
Aarti, so sorry. 
Aarti ... we had never watched Next Food Network Star until the season you won. Oh, how sad. Really, and they gave you a show anyway. Well ... you, too, have a strange husband. Join the club.***

Marcela - would like to like you. 
Marcela - I'm sure you're a nice person, but stop with the inflections. They are as bad as Giada's. It's friggin annoying. 

Guy Fieri = tool in white sunglasses 
Gay Fairy ** ooops I mean, Guy Fieri - perhaps I've run out of steam on this rant ... or not. What a total tool. What do you do anyway? Suffice it to say you are not worth a lot of typing. So. Very. Lame. You are laughable, but I salute you for making money while you can. It won't be long until even the LCD* realizes you're a joke. The idea that "Guy Fieri shirtless" is a google search term makes me feel sick.
All this said, there are people on the Food Network that I really like, they are just few and far between - unfortunately. boo. 

* Lowest Common Denominator (yes, all this explanation is necessary.)

World English Dictionary
lowest common denominator
— n
LCD Abbreviation: lcd Also called: least common denominator  the smallest integer or polynomial that is exactlydivisible by each denominator of a set of fractions
Cultural Dictionary

lowest common denominator definition

The smallest number that can be divided evenly into two othernumbers ( see common denominator). When fractions withdifferent denominators are added together, their denominatorshave to be made the same; thus, fractions with denominators ofnine and twelve have thirty-six as a lowest common denominator.Seventy-two and 108 are also common denominators for fractionswith denominators of nine and twelve, but thirty-six is the lowest.
Note The term lowest common denominator is often used to indicate a lowering of quality resulting from a desire to findcommon ground for many people: “This fall's TV programming finds the lowest common denominator of taste.”

** Hat Tip - Food Network Humor
*** What is up with strange husbands? Please please make them go away. please. pretty please.

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